Penis Massage.. a ritual for conscious intimacy

Penis massage is offering your partner/self a penis massage, without expectation of orgasm or ejaculation or maintaining an erection.

Just connection, relaxation, and sensory pleasure.


The first time I gave my husband a penis massage… he fell asleep.

Now, hear me out, I’ll tell you why I thought this was one of the best things we’ve ever done for our relationship...

He fell asleep around 15 minutes into it, and that itself was a really long time for me to stroke him without my focus on his orgasm. I continued to stroke him for almost 20 more minutes, then let him sleep deeply.

When he woke up, his eyes were clear, lines on his face seemed lighter, and he gave me one of those all-expansive hugs where I feel completely liquid and melty. He looked deep in my eyes and said, while stroking my hair “Thank you SO much”. He exhaled deeply and kissed me with a new kind of buzz on his lips. I felt really connected to him, and to be honest, like a boss sex bitch.

We stayed really connected throughout the next day and week, and I thought of it often, with a secret smile on my face.

Giving or receiving a Penis massage, whether partnered or solo, is one of the most expansive sexual self-care and relationship care rituals you can celebrate!


Penis massage is offering your partner/self a penis massage, without expectation of orgasm or ejaculation or maintaining an erection.

Just connection, relaxation, and sensory pleasure.

Of course, if you want to end the massage with orgasm, that's totally your choice (and really fun!)  and you can always check in towards the end to see if your partner wants to end that way. But it is never the goal, really.

Because our society is centered around such fast-paced lifestyles, we all have become extremely desensitized. We feel mostly pressure and stress, but we have a hard time staying embodied and staying in sensation.

Men in particular feel a different pressure than women, which leads to toxic masculinity, repressed emotions, and a lack of pleasure. Many men feel like they need to drive really hard, and can’t relax.

One of the shortcuts to some of the deepest relaxation, is absolutely a Penis massage.

Believe it or not, one of the main places we have become desensitized is in our actual sexual centers- which is for men the penis, and testicles. Conditioning and shame leads to SO many women and men feeling just... lost in their genitals.

What we want to do with this ritual, and what makes it truly magical, is to start melting away the numbness, and allow feeling in.

Just like a frostbite, sometimes the melting process can bring pain. Or in the case of my husband, a need for deep REST that was waiting to be attuned to in his nervous system.

But often right underneath the pain or the emotion is the true wellspring of pleasure and sensation just waiting to burst out!

This pleasure and sensory capacity spills over into your everyday life, and can bring courage and power to you AND your relationship or sexual life.

For my husband, he felt so relaxed, and moved so much energy, he simply fell into a trance-like sleep. I enjoyed stroking him and giving him pleasure even while he wasn’t hard. The massage changed and I did deeper strokes that really came from my heart. I stroked his upper thighs and testicles, and I think I went into a bit of a trance myself.

There was magic for sure… I know both him and I felt really, really good.



So how do you start a penis massage practice? Some simple steps…

(and please feel free to improvise on this! Explore! These are guidelines to play with :)


Solo practice is bringing conciousness and breath into your masterbation practice. The below steps all apply, but are altered in that you bring the quality of loving attention and conciousness to your masterbation practice. You can stroke yourself with no need to push for orgasm, set a timer, and set up the space to include whatever it is that makes you feel turned on and comfortable. You bring yourself to heightened states and then back off, building the energy, and mostly you respect yourself by breathing into your penis, relaxing, and taking the pressure off your orgasm. 


For Partnered Practice...


  1. Make sure you have an oil that feels comfortable on the skin. Goldenrod penis oil, mixed with some coconut, sesame, or grapeseed oil, feels amazing and relaxes the organs.

  2. Set a space up for your massage however you know your partner likes it best! Think about comfort: pillows, a towel underneath for the oil, and anything else that makes you both feel magical- candles, smudging, etc. Put on some music that you love if that calls to you, and set a timer for 30 minutes. Position yourself comfortably between his legs or on one side of his body so that you can comfortably stoke him for a while. Your comfort is important too, and he will feel it.

  3. Think about the quality of touch before you begin. Make sure to ask your partner throughout the massage HOW they like to be touched. This is a great intimacy practice that can bring you a lot closer. Stay present with your touch, your partner can feel if your attention is wandering or you are in your head. If you start disconnecting, bring yourself back to your breath, and focus on the sensations in your hands.

  4. Start by warming up your partner, begin by looking in your partners eyes, with your hands over your or his heart, and telling him you will start the massage., With some oil mixture, start strokes up and down his upper inner thighs. Experiment and ask if he likes the pressure harder or softer. Massage deeply along the pelvic floor, and in the creases of his thighs. Men can carry a lot of tension in the area (as can women, its called the PSOAS) and check in with him if he wants deeper or harder pressure. Encourage him to breathe.

  5. Move into stroking him in a luscious way. You may know some of his favorite strokes, but I encourage you to try other things, like two hands alternating, cupping his testicles while stroking him, or using both hands. Experiment and stay present, and feel how good it can feel to both of you let him receive. 

  6. Tease his orgasm and pleasure by taking him close to orgasm, and then backing off slowing down, perhaps focusing on thigh massage again or testicle massage while he breathes and circulates the energy. This is an important step to sensitize him to his pleasure, move energy, and connect with him. It can also help him understand you more, as women often need to go through waves and peaks and valleys of pleasure before opening to orgasm. The feeling here is to remain connected, hold space for anything that may come up (holding space means being present to his emotions without judgement), and play! Encourage him to breathe and sound. There is no pressure for him to have an erection, an orgasm, or anything else. 

  7. Now you have a few choices... If he wants to orgasm, check in with him, and decide together how you want to proceed. If you finish the penis massage with an orgasm, it can feel absolutely massive because you have spent so much time getting connected and sensitized. If you decide you want to make love, flow into that. And lastly if any big feelings or issues come up for him, give him space to breathe and integrate by holding one hand on his penis, and one hand on his heart. Let him feel and release energy however he needs and stay present with the energy you have both created. 



Congrats! I hope you feel the mind-blowing opening this ritual can bring to your life and lovers... reach out to me with any questions or to brag about your explorations...

xo, lydia rose




Lydia Rose Dolan